Tamar Braxton reveals depths of despair during season premiere of documentary series Get Ya Life!

Tamar Braxton was ‘paranoid’ and felt like the world was against her when she attempted suicide in July, she said on the premiere of her new show on Thursday. In the first few minutes of Tamar Braxton: Get Ya Life!, a new documentary series on WE, the 43-year-old singer revealed […]

Tamar Braxton was ‘paranoid’ and felt like the world was against her when she attempted suicide in July, she said on the premiere of her new show on Thursday.

In the first few minutes of Tamar Braxton: Get Ya Life!, a new documentary series on WE, the 43-year-old singer revealed the extent of her stress.

‘I lost everything,’ she said, looking somber. ‘I lost my identity, I lost my home, my career. I lost everything that was positive in my life.’

Season premiere: Tamar Braxton was ‘paranoid’ and felt like the world was against her when she attempted suicide in July, she said on the premiere of her new show on Thursday

‘I felt like everyone was against me. I had my family speaking out about things that wasn’t necessarily the whole truth. I lost my mind. I didn’t want to leave my house. I was paranoid. I didn’t know who to trust. The only thing I had was my health and my strength and my kid.’

In July, Tamar was found unresponsive in a hotel room and was subsequently hospitalized.

She later wrote on Instagram that she’d experienced great ‘pain’ during her time in the entertainment industry, and felt ‘betrayed, taken advantage of, overworked and underpaid.’

In the wake of that revelation, many of the people starring on the WE show seemed worried about Tamar’s participation in it, and it had already been pushed back after her attempt.

Under pressure: In the first few minutes of Tamar Braxton: Get Ya Life!, a new documentary series on WE, the 43-year-old singer revealed the extent of her stress

Under pressure: In the first few minutes of Tamar Braxton: Get Ya Life!, a new documentary series on WE, the 43-year-old singer revealed the extent of her stress

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 provides people in distress, or those around them, with 24-hour support. Or, to connect with a counselor through the Crisis Text Line, text HOME to 741741.

She had promised them that she would film for six weeks, but appeared diffident about continuing even in the debut, often ducking out of rooms or scenes to protect herself.

Viewers also got a look at her boyfriend of two years, David Adefeso, who earlier this week claimed she attacked him while he was driving and filed a restraining order against her.

Sources close to Tamar have claimed in news reports that David actually threatened to kill her, and that she only reached out to put her hand on him after fearing for her life.

Six weeks: The singer agreed to do six weeks of intensive filming for the docuseries

Six weeks: The singer agreed to do six weeks of intensive filming for the docuseries

Her beau: Viewers also got a look at her boyfriend of two years, David Adefeso, who earlier this week claimed she attacked him while he was driving and filed a restraining order against her

Her beau: Viewers also got a look at her boyfriend of two years, David Adefeso, who earlier this week claimed she attacked him while he was driving and filed a restraining order against her

Ironically, in a dream she had during the premiere, Tamar actually envisions being in a car driven by another man, from which she jumps and saves herself as it careens down a hill.

The R&B superstar said throughout the episode that she felt like she was truly alone at the moment, and seemed insecure about asking for help from others.

‘This is just about Tamar solely without an agent, without a manager,’ she explained at the show’s open. ‘I don’t have a record label. I don’t have a husband.’

Feeling isolated: The R&B superstar said throughout the episode that she felt like she was truly alone at the moment, and seemed insecure about asking for help from others

Feeling isolated: The R&B superstar said throughout the episode that she felt like she was truly alone at the moment, and seemed insecure about asking for help from others

‘It’s very hard to juggle being a mom, being a businesswoman and dating when you’re fighting your way back from a disastrous moment you’ve had in your life,’ she reflected. ‘But you know what? Having an amazing day is a choice. You can either give up and wallow in it, or you can get up and dust yourself off and understand that there are gonna be days where you feel like you can’t make it [and] some days you shouldn’t have made it…’

Tamar explained that by shooting the show, she hoped to create her own fairy tale, citing Cinderella, Snow White and the film Pretty Woman as inspiration.

‘I’m determined not to give up on myself,’ she insisted.

As the first step in her journey, Tamar met with Mona Scott-Young, a veteran music manager and TV producer, to discuss the potential for a comeback in entertainment.

First step: As the first step in her journey, Tamar met with Mona Scott-Young, a veteran music manager and TV producer, to discuss the potential for a comeback in entertainment

First step: As the first step in her journey, Tamar met with Mona Scott-Young, a veteran music manager and TV producer, to discuss the potential for a comeback in entertainment

It had been three years since Tamar had released an album, and she was nervous.

She’d previously been managed by her ex-husband Vince Herbert, but told Mona it had affected their relationship, and made them lose the magic they once had.

She said that Vince kept her from collaborating with music producers, so this would be her first time writing and recording an album on her own.

Music comeback: It had been three years since Tamar had released an album, and she was nervous

Music comeback: It had been three years since Tamar had released an album, and she was nervous

Mona asked Tamar if she thought she might get overwhelmed by the responsibility of shooting a TV show while re-launching a music career.

‘I have no choice,’ Tamar responded, beginning to cry. ‘I’ve had everything and I’ve lost it, myself included. I lost my dreams. I lost hope. I lost my sense of reality. I lost my family. I lost every girlfriend that I’ve ever had for 20 years. This process that I’m embarking on is not about a TV show, it’s not about book deal. It’s about finding me, and I have to, ’cause if I don’t, then I lose. And if I lose, then my son [Logan, seven] loses.’

‘Who does he have if he doesn’t have me?’ she asked. ‘Who do I have if I can’t depend on me? I’ve depended on everybody for years. I’ve depended on my family. I’ve depended on my sister. I depended on my ex-husband. It’s time to give myself a shot.’

Tears flowing: 'I have no choice,' Tamar responded, beginning to cry. 'I've had everything and I've lost it, myself included. I lost my dreams. I lost hope. I lost my sense of reality. I lost my family. I lost every girlfriend that I've ever had for 20 years. This process that I'm embarking on is not about a TV show, it's not about book deal. It's about finding me, and I have to, 'cause if I don't, then I lose. And if I lose, then my son [Logan, seven] loses'

Tears flowing: ‘I have no choice,’ Tamar responded, beginning to cry. ‘I’ve had everything and I’ve lost it, myself included. I lost my dreams. I lost hope. I lost my sense of reality. I lost my family. I lost every girlfriend that I’ve ever had for 20 years. This process that I’m embarking on is not about a TV show, it’s not about book deal. It’s about finding me, and I have to, ’cause if I don’t, then I lose. And if I lose, then my son [Logan, seven] loses’

‘Losing for me is not an option,’ Tamar swore. ‘And I’m not ashamed. My s*** was f***ed up, period.’

Mona told Tamar that her team expected the singer might have bad days, but that she had to keep the door open to them, and call if she was in trouble.

Tamar and David then held a Taco Tuesday get-together for the TV crew at his apartment, and she emphasized how much support he’d given her.

Taco time: Tamar and David then held a Taco Tuesday get-together for the TV crew at his apartment, and she emphasized how much support he'd given her

Taco time: Tamar and David then held a Taco Tuesday get-together for the TV crew at his apartment, and she emphasized how much support he’d given her

He was more skeptical when she hired a creative coach named Goli Samii, who would help her dialogue with her dreams and ‘reach her highest potential.’

Actors such as Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper, and Mickey Rourke used dream work, Goli said, though David felt like there might be some sorcery at hand.

Goli told Tamar she couldn’t have sex, drink or use illicit substances the night before a dream ‘assignment,’ and that she had to shut off all of her tech devices.

Somewhat skeptical: David was more skeptical when she hired a creative coach named Goli Samii, who would help her dialogue with her dreams and 'reach her highest potential

Somewhat skeptical: David was more skeptical when she hired a creative coach named Goli Samii, who would help her dialogue with her dreams and ‘reach her highest potential

‘The only thing that’s messing everything up is David’s birthday and Thanksgiving,’ Tamar told her glam squad. ‘I don’t know any Black person that’s not drunk on Thanksgiving. But you can’t have sex anyway, and alcohol and sex go together.’

She emphasized that she was serious about the pursuit, however, offering, ‘I’m not playing Russian roulette with my career and my life anymore.’

When she told David she wasn’t allowed to have sex for 45 days, he was not amused.

Sex rule: When Tamar told David she wasn't allowed to have sex for 45 days, he was not amused

Sex rule: When Tamar told David she wasn’t allowed to have sex for 45 days, he was not amused

‘I’m not so sure that her methods are something that fit my own beliefs,’ he said in a confessional.

Tamar then met with music producer J. White, who’d produced two recent diamond records for Cardi B., and came to town for two days to work on her album.

J. White told Tamar he wasn’t sure what people wanted to hear, ‘but they want to hear something.’

Music producer: Tamar then met with music producer J. White, who'd produced two recent diamond records for Cardi B., and came to town for two days to work on her album

Music producer: Tamar then met with music producer J. White, who’d produced two recent diamond records for Cardi B., and came to town for two days to work on her album

He set up a portable studio in Tamar’s house, and brought along lyrics for her to record, but Tamar had just lost her voice.

She fretted that no one cared, telling David, ‘I have all the pressure, it relies on me.’

Even with her voice weak, Tamar sounded great in the recording session, yet she proclaimed herself ‘highly disappointed’ with her performance, saying she couldn’t stand it.

Sweet voice: Even with her voice weak, Tamar sounded great in the recording session, yet she proclaimed herself 'highly disappointed' with her performance, saying she couldn't stand it

Sweet voice: Even with her voice weak, Tamar sounded great in the recording session, yet she proclaimed herself ‘highly disappointed’ with her performance, saying she couldn’t stand it

She was frustrated by her lack of progress, though J. White was sympathetic to her plight.

Tamar scheduled a session with Goli, who noted that the singer often seemed to dwell on one theme: ‘family and the existential loss of family happening simultaneously.’

She pointed out that Tamar had been out of contact with many relatives, and Tamar agreed that it had been ‘a vicious cycle for the last six or seven years.’

Common theme: Tamar scheduled a session with Goli, who noted that the singer often seemed to dwell on one theme: 'family and the existential loss of family happening simultaneously

Common theme: Tamar scheduled a session with Goli, who noted that the singer often seemed to dwell on one theme: ‘family and the existential loss of family happening simultaneously

‘You’ve got Logan, you’ve got this bubble, but then there’s a reality that is breaking your heart,’ Goli affirmed. ‘That does affect how you perform, how you feel. We’ve got to face that and put it into the art, instead of avoiding it.’

She said everyone was telling Tamar what a great voice she had, but no one was really listening to her.

‘I’ve been feeling choked on a daily basis for at least five or six years, every single day,’ Tamar admitted, recalling that she’d told Goli her nerves tended to ‘fall into my throat.’

Feeling choked: 'I've been feeling choked on a daily basis for at least five or six years, every single day,' Tamar admitted, recalling that she'd told Goli her nerves tended to 'fall into my throat'

Feeling choked: ‘I’ve been feeling choked on a daily basis for at least five or six years, every single day,’ Tamar admitted, recalling that she’d told Goli her nerves tended to ‘fall into my throat’

The pressure got to her, she said, ‘and here I am again, hoarse, and I can’t use my gift.’

The TV crew told Tamar that they were scheduled to shoot until 10 pm, but without a voice, the reality star didn’t know what she was going to do.

‘I can’t call a nanny for Logan, because I’m his mom,’ she explained. ‘I can’t call my sisters to help me with my show, ’cause it’s a one-woman show. I can’t call on Vince to help me figure out my album, ’cause there is no Tamar and Vince, you know? I can’t call on anybody but me.’

Solo situation: 'I can't call a nanny for Logan, because I'm his mom,' she explained. 'I can't call my sisters to help me with my show, 'cause it's a one-woman show. I can't call on Vince to help me figure out my album, 'cause there is no Tamar and Vince, you know? I can't call on anybody but me'

Solo situation: ‘I can’t call a nanny for Logan, because I’m his mom,’ she explained. ‘I can’t call my sisters to help me with my show, ’cause it’s a one-woman show. I can’t call on Vince to help me figure out my album, ’cause there is no Tamar and Vince, you know? I can’t call on anybody but me’

‘I’m going to bed, friend,’ she informed him. ‘I can’t do this.’

The next day, she met with Goli to tell her about a strange dream she had, in which she was dating actor/producer Tyler Perry, and became jealous of his female interior designer.

The two of them were arguing as they drove down a hill in a car, and it was icy out, she said, ‘so I jumped out right before it crashed, and was like, ”See, I told you everything was gonna be cool. Everything’s cool!” And that’s when I woke up.’

Strange dream: The next day, she met with Goli to tell her about a strange dream she had, in which she was dating actor/producer Tyler Perry, and became jealous of his female interior designer

Strange dream: The next day, she met with Goli to tell her about a strange dream she had, in which she was dating actor/producer Tyler Perry, and became jealous of his female interior designer

Goli led her through an interrogation of her own dream, which culminated in Tamar realizing that ‘Tyler’ had been there to make her see how much help she had from others.

Tamar tried to make a break for it.

‘I got to go,’ she said. ‘I got to go.’

Dream interrogation: Goli led her through an interrogation of her own dream, which culminated in Tamar realizing that 'Tyler' had been there to make her see how much help she had from others

Dream interrogation: Goli led her through an interrogation of her own dream, which culminated in Tamar realizing that ‘Tyler’ had been there to make her see how much help she had from others

‘You have a resistance to people helping you,’ Goli pointed out, as Tamar cried.

In a flash, the singer understood that the ‘interior designer’ in her dream was really an angel sent to help her, and that Tyler tried to explain, but she didn’t listen to him.

‘That’s why I went down the slope and crashed,’ she said, sobbing.

Dream analysis: In a flash, the singer understood that the 'interior designer' in her dream was really an angel sent to help her, and that Tyler tried to explain, but she didn't listen to him

Dream analysis: In a flash, the singer understood that the ‘interior designer’ in her dream was really an angel sent to help her, and that Tyler tried to explain, but she didn’t listen to him

The TV crew wanted to keep filming as Tamar went to the bathroom and shut the door, and Goli asked if the singer could have some privacy.

When Tamar re-emerged, Goli told her that she understood, and asked her whether she had a ‘block’ somewhere in her childhood that had hindered her.

‘My parents got divorced and ruined the whole thing,’ Tamar said. ‘All of my sisters were gone. And here’s the thing… sit back ’cause I got to say something.’

Parental separation: 'My parents got divorced and ruined the whole thing,' Tamar said. 'All of my sisters were gone. And here's the thing… sit back 'cause I got to say something'

Parental separation: ‘My parents got divorced and ruined the whole thing,’ Tamar said. ‘All of my sisters were gone. And here’s the thing… sit back ’cause I got to say something’

She faced the camera and said, ‘Now, I love y’all and I shared all of my life, even giving birth to my child. But this ain’t for y’all. Some things is just for you. I gotta go.’

‘No, no. Tay, Tay,’ a producer called, as she walked away and slammed a door.

In a preview of upcoming episodes, the producer revealed that Tamar’s lawyer had called and asked the TV crew to leave the premises.

Tamar Braxton: Get Ya Life! will return next week on WE.

Private moment: Tamar faced the camera and said, 'Now, I love y'all and I shared all of my life, even giving birth to my child. But this ain't for y'all. Some things is just for you. I gotta go'

Private moment: Tamar faced the camera and said, ‘Now, I love y’all and I shared all of my life, even giving birth to my child. But this ain’t for y’all. Some things is just for you. I gotta go’

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